Strange how the silence of the night, the stillness, the rampant clack-clacking of keys can make everything seem so clear with a hint of a fic that didn't bring forth tears, just a heart-sick sadness. Everything is clear and understandable, explicable because it's true and even if it's not, it can be.
I have been considering the complexities of sexuality-- girls' sexuality, less boys' because I have no personal experience there, really-- over the last few days because of many things. Because of being alone in the house with just me and a puppy-who-isn't-a-puppy, because of looking in a mirror long enough to realize that with my short haircut and the proper attire, I really do pull off an angry lesbian look, because of a dinner with family where we talked about everything except for ourselves, because of because of a tv program I don't watch, because of a fic for a pairing I don't ship. It's strange because I try not to think about it, I try to just let me and everyone else be whatever we are, but when it comes down to it, I need the classification and the distinctions, the whys and the what ifs, the wants and the needs, the answers to the unanswerable.
Everyone has their own idea of sexuality, what it is, what it means, what it implies-- whether it implies or means anything. Some people have taken it up as a brand of honor-- I AM INSERT-CLASSIFICATION-HERE. SCREW WITH ME AT YOUR OWN RISK FOR I AM INSERT-CLASSIFICATION-HERE. I don't understand screaming over something like that, trying to be heard for a cause by raising your voice because it only seems to align with those screaming over the opposite. Like anything else that truly equal rights are sought for, I believe that it will only be truly equal when people don't need to talk about it anymore. When it's just okay, even if it wasn't always. It's why I don't talk about being bi a lot, even when prompted; it's why, even though I helped out with the GSA in a couple places, I've never been to a meeting. It's why I don't condone affirmative action; it's why I disapprove of people voting for a woman or a black man because of their gender or race and ignoring the issues or character or what really matters. Not everyone will agree with that, but that's my belief.
In some ways, it makes sexuality harder to classify. Not talking about something is more difficult in many ways than talking about it. Perhaps that's why I turn to writing, to figuring out what I'm saying, what I really think. One person's definition of sexuality was based on who you could fall in love with-- if you find yourself able to fall in love with someone of each gender, you're bisexual, and you can figure out the rest. But for her, 'fall in love' was much more potent than what we talk about today. Then others have other definitions-- in an episode of Cold Case (CBS), a woman said, "I was seventeen. I didn't know what I was-- I just knew I wanted to be near her." (Paraphrased from memory.) For many people, sexuality has little-to-nothing to do with the act of sex, it has to do with love or partnership, though sex usually plays some part.
I read an article in Time Magazine about gay couples vs. straight couples. Gay couples are usually healthier, they said, able to work through arguments with humor, able to make it through and laugh. But they don't last as long. "Straight couples die with passion; gay couples from apathy." (Paraphrased from memory) Because in a gay relationship, if there's no more passion, there's no benefit to staying together. There's no tax or legal benefits-- "After all, I was only his friend." (Geography of the Heart). But what Time Magazine said is that both sides could learn a lot from each other, and they're not entirely different when you get right down to it. Granted, the writer was biased-- he's gay.
I have learned, however, that my views on sexuality, love and its own complexities, which would take me years to detail just from my own thoughts and experiences and would probably end up making people upset at me, are not widely accepted. In fact, it seems that there are very few people who at least understand if not agree with me, and I already know most of them. Thus, when I go into a new community and attempt to keep those same views or hand them off conveniently to a character, I get yelled at, which leads to me being upset to the point of tears because I hate conflict and feeling guilty. If, however, I do everything late at night, far past the time I would be asleep normally, there is no feeling of most sorts, thus no guilt. I can also take inspiration from random fanfiction archives and make leaps where I shouldn't.
Then again, the very fact that the answers I seek to the questions no one wants to hear can be found in fanfics-- or at least, the roads my mind needs to get there-- probably says a great deal about whether there are people out there in the world who have some semblance of understanding what I think and consider.
There was more, but I am finally tired again at almost two, and should try to sleep. I may come back and add more if I am still awake in half an hour.
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frustrated
attempting to be accepting![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
contemplative